My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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Well, this explains it:
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward