Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Autocarrot sucks!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
*3.5 thank you very much.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.