I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
A small tragedy.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE