Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
You Might Also Like
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
this chia pet tastes awful
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.