Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
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Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve