I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”