Me, scrolling to find my birth year
You Might Also Like
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.