him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”