Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*pronounces fake like saké*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig