Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole