8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
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M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
That’s fair
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning