i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
You Might Also Like
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.