me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.