I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
You Might Also Like
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.