Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
You Might Also Like
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Buying a well is money well spent.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me