My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
You Might Also Like
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
A great tip. #CakeRex
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.