Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh