People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
TRAIN’S HERE
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?