“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
You Might Also Like
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.