Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
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I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I beg your pardon?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping