Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
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if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Many hands make light work
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.