[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
one of
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This makes total sense…
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive