I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom