Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁