So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
You Might Also Like
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.