once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
You Might Also Like
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.