When someone trying to leave me
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.