BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.