[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
scared to check what name she chose
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism