Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something