The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
You Might Also Like
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.