He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
This dude got his own movie?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
never deleting this app.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow