John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
why would tinder want me to say this
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.