Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I鈥檝e come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
schr枚dinger: your results came back, there鈥檚 good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schr枚dinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what鈥檚 the good news?
schr枚dinger: there isn鈥檛 any now
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world鈥檚 cleanest kitchen stool.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy馃憞
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I SAID YES!!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲馃拲 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍 someone asked if I was alone for valentine鈥檚 day!!!
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
i don鈥檛 think it鈥檒l all fit in there
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
just left a huge legacy in there