Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.