127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
did it work
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks