me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
You Might Also Like
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*