This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 馃槵
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Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I鈥檒l huff and I鈥檒l puff and I鈥檒l get light headed then have to lay down.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I鈥檓 gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
i can鈥檛 wait that long
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 馃檪
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we鈥檙e avoiding at the grocery store
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I鈥檓 a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I鈥檝e just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today鈥檚 group Skype meeting.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn鈥檛 flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.