[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.