*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
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Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?