Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
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Good morning
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome