detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
You Might Also Like
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!