[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
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Terribly Tuesday.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Sorry not sorry.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions