Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
i- i did not expect this
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard