“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
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Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*