*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
You Might Also Like
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
#Caturday
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?