When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Cake safety first. Always.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.