Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
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idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.