imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Education is vital
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
The cashier just checked me out.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.