Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Coffee for people with no kids
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”